I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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