Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize