I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
