We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
