I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Randomize
