after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
