we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
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