Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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