this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize