Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I just want nice things and good sex
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
