Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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