This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
