i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
