hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
