dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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