I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
