before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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