i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
