k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize