I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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