I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Im part way to drunk.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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