I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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