I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
