U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
this hospital has no fireball
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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