I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
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