Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
