I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
