Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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