you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
