it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
