she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He passed out mid-signature
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
