yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
He passed out mid-signature
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
