Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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