The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
