I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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