you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
