i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
