ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
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