she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
