Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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