he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
