i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
