Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Randomize
