i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
