Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
