Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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