I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
