You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
