So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize