I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
