just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
