I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Your penis caused this!
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
