I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize