dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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