I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
