someone threw a dead crab at me
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
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