I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
