Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
