I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
