I must be too annoying 4 u.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
