you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
