Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
