He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
