My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
