Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
