mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
