can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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